


Rhabdophobia

by hufflebadgerinthetardis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, Rhabdophobia - The fear of magic, crackish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-31
Updated: 2012-10-31
Packaged: 2017-11-17 10:14:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/550475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hufflebadgerinthetardis/pseuds/hufflebadgerinthetardis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the final battle Harry, Ron, and Hermione agree to help clean out and repair the castle. While cleaning out the Gryffindor dorms Harry and Ron find an odd bit of parchment offering advice to first years that is signed by a familiar group of troublemakers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rhabdophobia

**Author's Note:**

> I belong to the Order of the Nose-Biting Teacups ( the Harry Potter club at my college) and we had a writing constant with the prompt being to write a fic including the word Rhabdophobia. This was my entry :) I hope you all enjoy and Happy Reading!

"Come on Harry we've done enough for one day. I'm starving; let's go get something to eat." Ron called from the bottom of the staircase leading up to the Gryffindor dorms.

After the Battle of Hogwarts was over and the burials and celebrations had finally subsided, Headmistress McGonagall had ordered a thorough cleaning, repair, and check of the castle and in a bout of nostalgia for their school, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had agreed to aid in the efforts.

"Food later mate, you have got to come up and see this." Harry said urgently.

Ron grudgingly climbed up the stairs, mumbling about his stomach, and followed Harry's voice into the First Year dorms to find him sitting on the floor next to one of the beds, a large scroll of parchment in his hand.

"What's that, it looks really old?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, it's old all right. I found it hidden behind this bed. Take a look at it though." Harry said with a grin as he held out the parchment in front of both of them.

Ron leaned in closer to Harry and started to read.

_Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs_   
_Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers_   
_are proud to present_   
_THE MARAUDER'S GUIDE TO SCHOOL SURVIVAL_

_Dear Firsties,_

_Welcome to Hogwarts! If you are reading this then pat yourselves on the back as you have fallen into a bit of luck. You see as the months of our seventh year drew to a close we realized that we would be leaving these hallowed halls with no one to follow in our footsteps. All of the knowledge we have amassed, the secrets to our success, the tricks of the trade, everything would be lost. It was then decided to create this guide, a list of friendly reminders, warnings, secrets, advice, and other such information that we have gathered in our seven years at Hogwarts. We then decided to place this treasure in the first year boy's dormitory where some enterprising young Gryffindors would be able to find it and make good use of it. We leave you now with our thoughts so pay attention._

**_Prongs:_ ** _You have been sorted into Gryffindor, the house of the brave and courageous, act like it. As first years you have a reputation to cultivate, no Gryffindor wants to be seen as a pansy; it is personally unattractive and brings shame upon Gryffindor house._

**_Moony:_ ** _You will be spending the next seven years with your roommates, they will get to know you very well even if you don't become close friends, so remember, secrets don't stay secrets for long._

**_Wormtail:_ ** _Classes, while both boring and seemingly useless, unfortunately have a great deal of importance to your continued stay at Hogwarts and quality of life. Therefore if one is not overly intelligent be sure to find someone who is and acquire their aid. Try the straight and narrow first and ask, if they refuse then as a trainee of the Marauders proceed accordingly._

**_Padfoot:_ ** _Your head of house is Professor McGonagall, the transfiguration professor. While a good teacher she can be problematic for mischief makers in training so handle her with caution. Stay off her bad side as long as possible for once you're on it there is no turning back. If she is sending you a stern frown, be very wary, if her lips are pressed into a thin line, run._

**_Prongs:_ ** _Being at Hogwarts on the whole is totally awesome, so remember to enjoy yourselves._

**_Moony:_ ** _Friends are important. Perhaps the most important thing you will do at Hogwarts is make friends. Choose wisely and get the ones who are true and loyal, the ones that won't turn their back on you for things that you cannot control._

**_Padfoot:_ ** _Rules. They are everywhere at Hogwarts and since they are so prominent there are some things you need to remember, the most important being that rules are meant to be broken. Particularly that rule about having to be a third year to visit the village of Hogsmead. Take a stroll about the third floor, tap the old one eyed witch, whisper "Dissendium", slide down and have yourself a right adventure._

**_Wormtail:_ ** _All Slytherins are evil, period._

**_Prongs:_ ** _You may have noticed that there are girls living in very close proximity. If you notice one who catches your fancy be sure to make your move before any other blokes get a chance_

**_Padfoot:_ ** _Don't listen to Prongs, he tried that method and it took him almost a good seven years for his girl to stop hating him, the words arrogant toerag come to mind. Remember, you never tell a girl you like her, it makes you look like an idiot._

**_Moony:_ ** _There are many reasons why the animagus transformation isn't meant to be attempted by students and I've seen and heard about most of them, it's not pretty._

**_Padfoot:_ ** _Quidditch is the stuff of gods; if you can play do so if you can't cheer loud enough to make up for it._

**_Prongs:_ ** _Although you wouldn't think it, it is in fact possible to lose house points from Professor Binns. It was a bit ridiculous actually I just made one tiny little comment and he flipped._

**_Moony:_ ** _I don't recall it being a comment Prongs, I distinctly recall you reciting a poem that began with There once was a goblin from Sweden..._

**_Prongs:_ ** _Moony there are first years reading this, shut up. Anyway, ignore him. Binns, he will take points if severely provoked, particularly it seems about goblins, but doesn't notice if you are not there. Use this period to maximum effect by napping, planning mischief or just skiving it off altogether._

**_Padfoot:_ ** _If you ever happen to be in Filch's office and notice an old and ragged blank piece of parchment steal it and then when it's safe, be sure to solemnly swear that you are up to no good, and you'll be in for a hell of a surprise._

**_Prongs:_ ** _Nicknames are important; choose good ones as they will define you for the rest of your life._

**_Wormtail:_ ** _To simplify the house system just remember that all the good guys are in Gryffindor, all the bad guys are in Slytherin and the rest are dispersed between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff._

**_Padfoot:_ ** _No matter how good of an actor you are or how much you stick to your guns Professor McGonagall will never accept developing a sudden and acute case of rhabdophobia as a reason for being unable to take an exam._

**_Prongs:_ ** _Neither will Professor Flitwick, although at least he smiled when Padfoot tried it._

**_Moony/Wormtail/Padfoot/Prongs:_ ** _Pranking is a perfectly acceptable extracurricular activity!_

_Well, that's about all the advice we have for you, we can't go and tell you everything, where is the fun in that. Go thee out unto the world now young mischief makers in training, go forth and conquer, learn and play pranks, and make the most of your years at Hogwarts._

_Faithfully submitted,_

_Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs_

"I can't believe all the stuff they did," Ron said in awed amazement when he had finished reading.

"I can't believe my Dad lost points from Binns." Harry added with a snort of amusement.

When they could both no longer ignore the rumbling in their stomachs they made there was down to the common room and out the portrait of the Fat Lady, heading for the kitchens.

"Hey Harry, you know what rhabdophobia is?" Ron asked, perusing the list of advice as they walked.

"Rhabdophobia: the fear of magic." Harry replied.

"How do you know that?" Ron questioned.

"Hermione." Harry answered.

They made it to the kitchens where the elves were only too happy to assist them and soon they were sitting at a small table enjoying lunch. They were eating quietly, just watching the chaos around them when Ron suddenly started laughing.

"I still can't believe Sirius walked up to McGonagall and told her he couldn't take an exam because he had developed a fear of magic. I mean rhabdophobia, it sounds strange, too strange even for the Quibbler to use. "

" Then you clearly haven't seen this morning's edition," Harry said with a smirk as he pulled a rolled up copy of the magazine out of his pocket and slid it over to Ron. "Page five, second to last paragraph down."

Ron took the magazine and went to the appointed page and started to read. His sudden groan of dismay let Harry know he had reached the sentences in question

_Former Triwizard Tournament champion Cedric Diggory may not be as dead as we have been led to believe. Valid Quibbler sources note that the former Hogwarts student thought to be dead was actually seen in the states in a town called Forks, Washington. The source was extremely upset in our interview stating, "That poor boy, his encounter with the dark lord must have scarred him, as he is currently living as a sparkly vampire named Edward Cullen. Oh the poor dear." Sparkly vampire… taking a magical being and twisting it so far beyond normal, this reporter fears that Mr. Diggory may be suffering from a bout of rhabdophobia following his stressful encounter with the dark lord. Our thoughts and prayers go to young Mr. Diggory/Cullen in the hopes that he sees the light soon enough and returns home._

"All this shit is insane Harry, I feel like I'm losing it. I wish we could skip all this post war crap and just randomly jump nineteen years into the future and start living from there, with our lives already set and figured out." Ron said

"Yeah, "Harry agreed, "Then all would be well."

 


End file.
